What Kind of Parent Am I?

What kind of parent am I? Is this a question you have asked yourself, other than in a moment of horror, after you have made a regrettable decision or error? We all like to think of ourselves as “good” parents and, of course, feel like a “bad” parent from time to time.

Instead of thinking of yourself in such extreme terms, let’s examine something called “parenting styles”.  Depending on which expert you are reading, there are either 3 or 4 styles of parenting.  I will use what seems to be agreed upon in psychology today.  The four styles described are: Authoritarian, Permissive, Uninvolved, and Authoritative. I am going to describe each briefly:

• Authoritarian parenting is characterized by high demands and low responsiveness. Children are expected to follow the rules as laid down by the parent(s) and there is little or no positive feedback or nurturing. Any feedback is usually of a negative sort and mistakes on the part of the children are normally met with punishment, sometimes rather harsh punishment.
• Permissive  parenting, is characterized by low demands and high responsiveness.  These parents tend to be very loving, yet provide few guidelines or rules, and may seem more like a friend than a parental figure.
• Uninvolved parenting is characterized by a lack of responsiveness to the child’s needs.  There are few to no demands on their children and these parents are often indifferent, dismissive or even completely neglectful.
• Authoritative parenting is characterized by high demands but also high responsiveness to the needs of their children.  These parents encourage their children to be independent in their thinking and decision making but do put limits (rules and guidelines) on their actions.

I would like to add another style introduced to me by my grown son.  It is referred to as Peaceful Parenting.  This style of parent uses intentional, gently ways to guide their children using empathetic and cooperative solutions and avoids trying to control behavior with punishment.

Intentional may be the key word there. In other words deliberate, calculated, conscious, intended, planned, meant, studied, knowing, willful, purposeful, purposive, done on purpose, premeditated, preplanned, preconceived. How many of us live our lives this way, let alone parent? Our parenting style may be in the same style we were parented or as a reaction against the way we were parented.

There is never a better time than today to reflect on and evaluate what and how we are doing.  Maybe you have already figured this out. If so, good for you! It would be great to hear your story. If not there is a test you can take online to see “what style of parent you are”.  Then you can take it from there.  Do you need some input, education, training? Use your support system, seek guidance, enroll in a class, do some reading. You may also want to think about what type of parenting style your partner,  or the other parent(s),  and your care giver(s) use, and consider how that affects your parenting and your child (ren).

A link for one of the online tests is: psychology today.tests.psychtests.com

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Changing Seasons

As Summer fades into the rearview mirror and Fall quickly approaches, priorities  and routines change. Change, an inevitable fact of life, calls for adjustments that aren’t always the easiest to make. Sometimes the changes are invited and welcomed  and sometimes they are thrust upon you. The changing seasons are a picture of the many challenges that can happen in a life:

• An old relationship, the end to a relationship, a new relationship
• A new baby, a growing baby, an independent child
• Back to school, a new semester, graduation
• Looking for a job, finding a job, changing jobs
• Moving
• Friendships: old friends, making friends, losing friends
• Health challenges
• Challenges to our long held ideas, values and beliefs
• On and on….

So what are some things you can do when change comes your way to minimize the distress and maximize the potential for a positive outcome? Well…

• Prepare. Ok so the change has already begun and you are not prepared. That’s okay, you can prepare now for what is still to come. Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
• Think smaller. Break things down into manageable (as you define manageable) parts. Take one part at a time and deal with it. This can help to minimize that “overwhelmed” feeling.
• Celebrate. As you work your way through the “parts”, allow yourself to feel good about what you have dealt with or accomplished. Give yourself a “pat on the back” or allow yourself to enjoy a little down time in whatever way pleases you.
• Have the expectation, that all may not go smoothly. Sometimes it is two steps forward and one step back. You are still moving. So don’t give up.
• Be patient. With yourself and others. You are in process. Be kind to yourself and those around you who may be going through it too.
• Enlist those around you. For help, encouragement, prayer, accountability or whatever it is that you might need to see you through.
• Be positive. Unless thinking negatively about things is what gets you through, thinking positively will help you to focus on the solutions you need, instead of bogging you down in the problems you face.

Single-Parent-Person: “Staying Afloat”

 

 

I was thinking about our subject for this month’s blog and what came to mind is how hard it is to stay connected to other’s and yourself in a meaningful way when you are busy, as most of us are. If you are a “single parent” human person, YOU ARE BUSY!! You may be forced, through circumstance to be the only “bread-winner”/”caregiver” for yourself and your child(ren) or you may have sentenced yourself to such an existence by means of guilt, resignation or a sense of determination to  “show everyone, including yourself, that you CAN DO IT!”. The challenges of attempting to fulfill every need that arises can be downright draining and you may find yourself drowning in a sea of “overwhelming”.

What can be done?  I found some worthy suggestions in a blog post called “Single Parents: Ask For Help” written by Susan Stiffelman, Family Therapist and Author. I hope that you find these helpful.  First off, the title gives us the best advice for any human being, “ask for help”.  I was taught,  a long time ago,  from some very wise mentors, that to refrain from allowing others to help me, was to deprive others of the joy of giving. It took me awhile to learn, but eventually I got it. Here are her suggestions, followed by my commentary:

• Find a tribe
• Bring in the aunties and the uncles
• Take mental health days
• Don’t make your child your partner
• Just do your best!

If you are not now, then put yourself,  in a position to meet others who have children around the same age as your own.  You can get together for play dates (even if the little ones are infants, the adults can share some adult conversation and laughter). Once you feel that you can trust these other parents, you can do some childcare swapping for errands or a little “me time”. These “others” can be found wherever adults with children are found,  including such places as your neighborhood, the grocery store, your place of worship, or the childcare room at your local gym. There may even be a parent meet-up or support  group in your area. I am sure you can think of other venues, as well.

Many of us have a favorite aunt, uncle, neighbor or adult friend of the family. You know the one! It can be of great benefit to your child(ren) to develop healthy relationships with safe and trustworthy adults, other than you. There are so many things they can offer your child(ren) including a listening ear, another perspective, a love for a favorite hobby or a particular skill you may not possess. You might be surprised at those who are willing and able to give step into that role-You may just need to ask!

“Me time” is not a selfish act, unless overdone, of course! It is important to take time to refresh oneself when the demands are many, as mentioned previously. A nap, a movie, a soak in the tub, a workout at the gym, a coffee and your ear buds at the local coffee bar, dinner or lunch with a friend or whatever “refreshes” you. Both you and your child will benefit. Ask a member of “your tribe” to watch your little one(s) and you can give back in whatever way fits. It is a win-win-win situation!

As a stressed out, overburdened single-parent-person, it is easy to put your child in the role of confidante. After all, as the children grow, it is natural to form a “partnership” with them as they are with you at all the times you would normally be talking to a “spouse”. It isn’t fair to place them in the position of “early adulthood”. They shouldn’t have to shoulder the burdens of finances, your work or social frustrations, or a “flaky” other parent. Be sure to develop and maintain a safe, healthy adult relationship, where you can share all of those concerns.

Just do your best! No one is perfect. (Sorry to be the one to tell you.) You are still finding your way and you will make mistakes. You will not always be as loving and as patient as you would like, nor will you always  be able to do everything for your child that you would like to do. When you fall short of your own expectations and speak or act in a way that is less-than-perfect, it is a praiseworthy thing to apologize to your child for your wrong behavior, attitude, or action.  It is a wonderful way to model this desirable trait for your child(ren).

“Stay Afloat” by asking  others for help. Everyone,  including you, will be glad you did!

 

 

 

 

 

6 Early Warning Signs you May be with an Emotional Abuser

Tags

abuse, abusive relationship, emotional abuse, nonprofit, romantic relationships, signs of abuse, Villa Majella, warning signs

When I first started working at Villa Majella, I was in contact daily with women who were victims of abusive relationships. They ran the gamut from emotional to physical abuse. I acknowledged the bravery of these women for finding the courage to respect themselves to get out of these relationships so their babies and themselves could have better lives. From the outside, these women are different from me. I am not a single mother, I have never had the fear of being homeless and I’ve never been addicted to drugs. It wasn’t until I started reading about the signs of abuse that I realized I wasn’t different from these women because I was being emotionally abused.

After recently separating myself from an abusive relationship, which is still a constant struggle after officially separating from him in September, I started to do research as to what the signs of abuse could have been at the beginning of dating him. The more I read, the more I realized the abusive qualities were right in front of me, I just didn’t know what I was looking for and I was too entranced in the love and lust to fully see them. I know how tough it can be to leave a person you thought you loved and you never want to think there are people out there that aren’t looking out for your best interest, however, they do exist, and I feel compelled to write this blog post to further educate myself and any woman out there who is currently in an abusive relationship or is newly dating someone. Being aware of the signs that may seem like commonplace at the beginning of a relationship will allow you to make more educated decisions on whether you want to continue dating this person or to leave for your own emotional and physical safety.

I admit these signs can also be difficult to detect if you sleep with your partner too quickly. So anything you can do to elongate the courtship will help you to gather more information about a person before you fully invest in them to the point where you want to get intimate in that way.

Early Abuse Warning Sign #1: Blame

Do you notice when you talk to your partner that they seem to shift the blame of their issues onto other people? Do you find them shying away from taking responsibility for their actions? Some things they may say could include:

“ You are so sweet to me, I wish my ex was like that.”

“My boss is such a jerk, I can never get anything done when he’s around.”

“You are so nurturing, I never had that growing up.”

When you hear these phrases, you may feel he is reaching out for support and it can feel so good in the beginning to give it, almost like you feel you’re going to change his life for the better, however, think for a second, if he isn’t taking responsibility for his own actions in his daily life, will he be able to with you? Furthermore, in these instances, he is putting himself in the seat of the victim. Since he feels victimized he believes he has the right to retaliate in any way he sees fit. When it comes to blame, a blamer will tend to turn on the person closest to him, this could be you.

Early Abuse Warning Sign #2: Desire for Constant Contact

It can be nice in the beginning to receive text messages that make you feel all fuzzy inside. He may say:

“Thinking about you, I feel so good when I’m around you.”

“Your kisses are so sweet.”

“I feel like I could be with you forever.”

You can accept these messages as compliments but don’t dive right in for the messages, keep your ears open, because, eventually these nice messages could turn into him wanting to go with you everywhere or you notice he panics when he can’t get in contact with you right away. These are all signs that he may have attachment issues. The healthy man will feel good doing activities outside of his relationship with you because he doesn’t feel threatened by your desire to do the same.

Early Abuse Warning Sign #3: Hypersensitivity

When I first started dating my abuser, I noticed how I was drawn to his strong attitude towards life. He was steadfast in his opinions, and I was always impressed that he seemed to know his stance on every aspect of his life. I took these for morals and at times felt inadequate I hadn’t adopted the same “strength”. I later realized all of that was a façade to cover up his low self-esteem. When he would break down when I would give my opinion, I never thought to think what he deemed to be personal attacks were fueling the anger within him.

You may also notice how often he reverts the conversation back to him, even when you’re trying to speak about something related to you. Hypersensitivity can also be illustrated when he points out how your opinions differ and why his is right. This can be as little as your taste in food to big things like your personalities.

Early Abuse Warning Sign #4: High Standards

Sometimes, a smart guy is good at covering up his high standards with making the excuse to you that he knows what he wants. The moment he says:

“I know what I want and I usually get what I want.”

This is a clear indicator of abuse or of him displaying controlling tendencies. Here is where I see many educated and high-powered women get trapped. These women make decisions all day, which makes them desire a man to take charge. When these particular women hear that phrase, they think the man is illustrating his ability to take care of her and not that he will try to control her to get what he wants.

Sometimes, a man with high standards can be illustrated more subtly. Notice how often he gets offended or disappointed with the people or situations he finds himself in every day. Do you feel like every time you see him he talks about a time when he didn’t get his way? Those are also signs of abuse. The worst part is over time, the more enabling a person like this gets, the more they will regard their feelings as being superior to yours. When I look back at my last relationship, I rarely remember conversations being about me or if they were, he constantly shut them down by seducing me or turning the situation back on him, to make himself the victim.

Early Abuse Warning Sign #5: Family Dynamics

At the beginning of a relationship, it is good to talk about how you both grew up. It can tell you a lot about your partner’s core temperaments and what their morals are. If they had a close family and there was healthy communication, they will hold family, kindness, and connection in high regard. If they had a turbulent upbringing where their family felt strained due to divorce, money, illness or addiction, they may regard those stressful relationships to be normal ways of communicating and having a connection with their romantic partners.

When I first started reading about codependency, I noticed many women who find themselves in codependent relationships feel fulfilled knowing they are “helping” the broken, the individuals who came from rough backgrounds. I am not here to say people who come from these family dynamics are bad people, I am saying if they haven’t or refuse to take steps to further their personal growth in this area, it will come out in emotional, controlling ways in their relationships.

Early Abuse Warning Sign #6: Rushing the Relationship Flow

This sign can be incredibly detrimental for women looking for men to fill some sort of void in their life whether it be a need for love, financial stability, religion, wanting to have babies, not wanting to be alone etc.

In a world of social media and constant communication, it can be difficult to not be swept away by the things you think you “need” because everyone else has them. I’m at an age right now where every time I sign into Facebook, cute couple photos bombard me; people getting engaged, married or having babies. It’s all in front of me and it definitely triggers that “What the hell is wrong with me, why don’t I have these things in my life”, thought process.

The more you think you need a man to fill a hole in your life, the more men who rush relationships will show up in your life. Signs of someone who may be rushing a relationship with you: they try to set up the next date when you’re still on the first date. When you tell them you’re busy and you’ll let them know when you can get together they say “okay”, but then badger you for the rest of the week to get together. They tell you how much they care about you and how they would commit to you right away if you gave them the green light or the guy who tries to get physical with you even after you’ve told him you want to take it slow. These are all signs of a man who doesn’t respect your boundaries and will continue to feel he can disrespect your boundaries the more you let him into your life.

How to Protect yourself From an Abuser

The best advice I can give to any of you out there who are experiencing these signs in their partner or have been in emotionally abusive relationships in the past is to take the time to educate yourself not only on the signs of abuse in a relationship, but also what you may be doing to prolong the abuse. Here are a couple books and blogs you may be interested in reviewing around this topic that I’ve found all of these very helpful in my recovery.

Books on Abuse Recovery

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It

Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths and Other Toxic People

Blogs on Abuse Recovery

Breaking the Cycle

Love is Respect

Foods and Drinks to Avoid When You’re Breastfeeding

Tags

breastfeeding, diet, diet after pregnancy, Villa Majella

During pregnancy, it’s important for you to be conscious of what you’re eating and drinking, as the nutrients or lack there of, could effect the development of your child. Between caffeine, sushi and chocolate withdrawals, you couldn’t wait for your baby to arrive, so you could once again consume all the foods that make you the happiest. Unfortunately, if you are choosing to breastfeed, you need to maintain a similar diet as you did when you were pregnant. Here is guide of foods and beverages you will want to eliminate or decrease your exposure to while you’re breastfeeding.

Coffee

I know you’re irritable and you probably haven’t slept for days, however, if you drink that cup of coffee before feeding time, the likelihood the caffeine will make its way into your milk is very high. This could cause a number of outcomes. Your baby could become fussy right before breastfeeding or it may be difficult to get your child to lie down for a nap. Another effect of caffeine is your baby’s stomach may also get upset, because babies aren’t able to digest caffeine as quickly as adults can. If you can wait to drink your cup of coffee until your baby has gone down for a nap, you will be thankful that you did.

Dairy

Not being able to consume dairy products when you’re breastfeeding is kind of ironic. In any case, you want to avoid it for many reasons. If your baby has eczema, other skin irritation or they tend to have a hard time latching right before it’s time to breastfeed, your baby may be experiencing an allergy to dairy. To ensure the allergy doesn’t develop further, cut out dairy from your diet for multiple weeks. If your babies skin irritations clear up or you notice your baby is much more relaxed during feeding time, the dairy may have been the issue. If you are craving dairy products, try consuming other types such as almond milk or goat cheese.

Spice and Citrus

This one really depends on your baby’s sensitivities, as many babies appreciate variation in the flavors of the breast milk they consume, and if you’re eating spicy or citrusy foods, you can serve your baby a plethora of flavors. However, for some babies, your obsession with spicy food could be disruptive to their feeding time, sleeping habits and digestive system. The signs that will illustrate your baby’s sensitivity to these foods include fussiness after feeding time, uncontrollable screaming, sleeping and waking abruptly, skin irritation, wheezing or green stools. Symptoms can be immediate or even 24 hours after you last breastfed.

Alcohol

Good news, you can have a glass of wine every now and then, even if you choose to breastfeed. Keep your alcohol intake to one glass a day, and if you’re breastfeeding, wait two hours per drink before breastfeeding, to ensure the alcohol doesn’t get into your milk.

Fish

This is a grey area, as there are some fish that you can consume and some you can’t while your breastfeeding. Just like when you were pregnant, you want to make sure you aren’t eating fish that have high mercury levels, because you don’t want your baby ingesting those toxins. This would include shark, swordfish, king mackerel and tilefish. If you are craving fish, reach for low mercury level fish such as salmon, canned light tuna or catfish.

Chocolate

Don’t worry, you don’t have to give up chocolate entirely when you’re breastfeeding, however, be aware that chocolate does have a lot of caffeine in it, and you don’t want that caffeine being transferred into your milk and eventually to your baby. Chocolate also has a laxative effect on your baby. Not only will their runny poops upset your baby, but you will also become frustrated. If you notice your child is having diarrhea after you consume chocolate, you may have to part ways with your love of chocolate for a little while.

Hope you learned some fun facts about what not to consume while you’re breastfeeding. If you stick to these six suggestions, you may find breastfeeding to be a relaxing and stress-free time for you and your baby.

Resources:

http://www.mom365.com/baby/breastfeeding/10-foods-to-avoid-while-breastfeeding.aspx

http://www.babycenter.com/404_are-there-any-foods-i-should-avoid-while-breastfeeding_8906.bc

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/breastfeeding-nutrition/art-20046912?pg=2

http://www.parents.com/advice/babies/newborn-care/what-foods-should-i-avoid-while-breastfeeding/

http://healthyeating.sfgate.com/foods-not-eat-breastfeeding-newborn-baby-1882.html

“Tea by the Sea”

Villa Majella’s 18th annual Tea By the Sea was a huge success! Thank you to all the wonderful Vendors who donated silent auction items and food to our event. A big thank you the The William H. Hannon Foundation continuing to support our fundraiser by funding out Hawaii Trip raffle. We could not do this without you! The winner of this years Hawaii trip sent a post card stating that she is having a wonderful time and that it is, “Truly Paradise.” Our entertainment was outstanding! Lynette Gaeona and band, Jamie Green, and The Brambles were amazing. All musicians donated their musical talents because they all believe in Villa Majella and what we offer homeless, pregnant mothers.

Of course events such as this do not go well without committed volunteers, and board members who show up the day of the event and give it their all! Thank you!

Thank you to all the attendees of the Tea and who bought raffle tickets. We are truly grateful!

We had an absolutely beautiful seaside day, filled with wonderful music, delicious food, and fellowshipping to support a much needed resource in Santa Barbara county.

Thank you just doesn’t seem like enough to say to all who support Villa Majella and enable us to continue to support homeless, pregnant women that come to us in need.

“Tea By The Sea”

On May 10, 2014 we had another fabulous Tea By the Sea to benefit Villa Majella of Santa Barbara! We had a great turn out this year thanks to all the wonderful supporters of Villa Majella. Big thank you to William H. Hannon Foundation for continued support of our Hawaii trip raffle, we could not do this without your support. Congratulations to this years winner of the Hawaii trip. She sent us a post card stating she is having a wonderful time and she is “Truly in Paradise.” Our entertainment was fabulous this year, Lynette Gaeona and band, Jamie Green, and The Brambles who all donated their musical talents for the day. We had delicious tea, desserts, refreshments and silent auction items, thanks to all the vendors in Santa Barbara who donated to our event.

Thank you to all the faithful volunteers and Board members who gave of their time and talents to contribute to a successful fundraiser! 

We all enjoyed beautiful seaside weather, music, and fellowshipping while supporting a much needed resource in Santa Barbara County! 

If you have not attended one of our Tea’s by the Sea and would like to have more information please call 805-964-1650 and speak to our office manager, Eileen. She would love to hear from you and get you on our mailing list.

Thank you for your support

Folk Music Festival | Sponsored by The Knights of Columbus

SAVE THE DATE

Upcoming Fall Music Festival

Sponsored by The Knights of Columbus

October 18th, 2014

Watch for mailer, coming soon!

Buy Tickets online at: http://www.villamajella.org/#/events/

Villa Majella | Santa Barbara Pregnancy Housing & Support Services

Since our doors opened in 1982, Villa Majella (Vi-la Ma-jel-a) of Santa Barbara has supported hundreds of women in their decision to carry their babies to term under difficult situations.  Through our maternity home and outreach program, we equip and empower pregnant women for the future by offering them pregnancy care, education, and guidance whether they choose to personally parent or lovingly select and adoptive home.  Our professional staff serves to inform, encourage, and assist our clients by providing them with extensive services within a safe and nurturing environment that fosters their physical, social, emotional and spiritual well-being.  We are a non-profit and non-denominational organization funded largely by local foundations and individual donations.