What Kind of Parent Am I?

What kind of parent am I? Is this a question you have asked yourself, other than in a moment of horror, after you have made a regrettable decision or error? We all like to think of ourselves as “good” parents and, of course, feel like a “bad” parent from time to time.

Instead of thinking of yourself in such extreme terms, let’s examine something called “parenting styles”.  Depending on which expert you are reading, there are either 3 or 4 styles of parenting.  I will use what seems to be agreed upon in psychology today.  The four styles described are: Authoritarian, Permissive, Uninvolved, and Authoritative. I am going to describe each briefly:

• Authoritarian parenting is characterized by high demands and low responsiveness. Children are expected to follow the rules as laid down by the parent(s) and there is little or no positive feedback or nurturing. Any feedback is usually of a negative sort and mistakes on the part of the children are normally met with punishment, sometimes rather harsh punishment.
• Permissive  parenting, is characterized by low demands and high responsiveness.  These parents tend to be very loving, yet provide few guidelines or rules, and may seem more like a friend than a parental figure.
• Uninvolved parenting is characterized by a lack of responsiveness to the child’s needs.  There are few to no demands on their children and these parents are often indifferent, dismissive or even completely neglectful.
• Authoritative parenting is characterized by high demands but also high responsiveness to the needs of their children.  These parents encourage their children to be independent in their thinking and decision making but do put limits (rules and guidelines) on their actions.

I would like to add another style introduced to me by my grown son.  It is referred to as Peaceful Parenting.  This style of parent uses intentional, gently ways to guide their children using empathetic and cooperative solutions and avoids trying to control behavior with punishment.

Intentional may be the key word there. In other words deliberate, calculated, conscious, intended, planned, meant, studied, knowing, willful, purposeful, purposive, done on purpose, premeditated, preplanned, preconceived. How many of us live our lives this way, let alone parent? Our parenting style may be in the same style we were parented or as a reaction against the way we were parented.

There is never a better time than today to reflect on and evaluate what and how we are doing.  Maybe you have already figured this out. If so, good for you! It would be great to hear your story. If not there is a test you can take online to see “what style of parent you are”.  Then you can take it from there.  Do you need some input, education, training? Use your support system, seek guidance, enroll in a class, do some reading. You may also want to think about what type of parenting style your partner,  or the other parent(s),  and your care giver(s) use, and consider how that affects your parenting and your child (ren).

A link for one of the online tests is: psychology today.tests.psychtests.com

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Single-Parent-Person: “Staying Afloat”

 

 

I was thinking about our subject for this month’s blog and what came to mind is how hard it is to stay connected to other’s and yourself in a meaningful way when you are busy, as most of us are. If you are a “single parent” human person, YOU ARE BUSY!! You may be forced, through circumstance to be the only “bread-winner”/”caregiver” for yourself and your child(ren) or you may have sentenced yourself to such an existence by means of guilt, resignation or a sense of determination to  “show everyone, including yourself, that you CAN DO IT!”. The challenges of attempting to fulfill every need that arises can be downright draining and you may find yourself drowning in a sea of “overwhelming”.

What can be done?  I found some worthy suggestions in a blog post called “Single Parents: Ask For Help” written by Susan Stiffelman, Family Therapist and Author. I hope that you find these helpful.  First off, the title gives us the best advice for any human being, “ask for help”.  I was taught,  a long time ago,  from some very wise mentors, that to refrain from allowing others to help me, was to deprive others of the joy of giving. It took me awhile to learn, but eventually I got it. Here are her suggestions, followed by my commentary:

• Find a tribe
• Bring in the aunties and the uncles
• Take mental health days
• Don’t make your child your partner
• Just do your best!

If you are not now, then put yourself,  in a position to meet others who have children around the same age as your own.  You can get together for play dates (even if the little ones are infants, the adults can share some adult conversation and laughter). Once you feel that you can trust these other parents, you can do some childcare swapping for errands or a little “me time”. These “others” can be found wherever adults with children are found,  including such places as your neighborhood, the grocery store, your place of worship, or the childcare room at your local gym. There may even be a parent meet-up or support  group in your area. I am sure you can think of other venues, as well.

Many of us have a favorite aunt, uncle, neighbor or adult friend of the family. You know the one! It can be of great benefit to your child(ren) to develop healthy relationships with safe and trustworthy adults, other than you. There are so many things they can offer your child(ren) including a listening ear, another perspective, a love for a favorite hobby or a particular skill you may not possess. You might be surprised at those who are willing and able to give step into that role-You may just need to ask!

“Me time” is not a selfish act, unless overdone, of course! It is important to take time to refresh oneself when the demands are many, as mentioned previously. A nap, a movie, a soak in the tub, a workout at the gym, a coffee and your ear buds at the local coffee bar, dinner or lunch with a friend or whatever “refreshes” you. Both you and your child will benefit. Ask a member of “your tribe” to watch your little one(s) and you can give back in whatever way fits. It is a win-win-win situation!

As a stressed out, overburdened single-parent-person, it is easy to put your child in the role of confidante. After all, as the children grow, it is natural to form a “partnership” with them as they are with you at all the times you would normally be talking to a “spouse”. It isn’t fair to place them in the position of “early adulthood”. They shouldn’t have to shoulder the burdens of finances, your work or social frustrations, or a “flaky” other parent. Be sure to develop and maintain a safe, healthy adult relationship, where you can share all of those concerns.

Just do your best! No one is perfect. (Sorry to be the one to tell you.) You are still finding your way and you will make mistakes. You will not always be as loving and as patient as you would like, nor will you always  be able to do everything for your child that you would like to do. When you fall short of your own expectations and speak or act in a way that is less-than-perfect, it is a praiseworthy thing to apologize to your child for your wrong behavior, attitude, or action.  It is a wonderful way to model this desirable trait for your child(ren).

“Stay Afloat” by asking  others for help. Everyone,  including you, will be glad you did!

 

 

 

 

 

How to Find the Right Daycare for your Child

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childcare, daycare, nonprofit, parenting

Sending your child off to daycare for the first time can be petrifying. There’s so many concerns running through your head: that nobody will be able to care for your baby as well as you can, you feel you haven’t had enough time with your child, and you fear they will become more attached to their caregiver than you, or you’re afraid you will miss your baby’s firsts. It’s perfectly natural to have these fears. The bond you form with your child is one that is special, delicate and unique. The good news is no caregiver can be a replacement in your child’s eyes for you, their mother. And you don’t need to worry about missing your baby’s first steps, or the first time they say mommy. Your baby will always feel the most comfortable taking their biggest steps when their around you, because that’s when they feel the most safe and at ease. When it comes to choosing the right daycare for your child, make sure you give yourself ample time to find the perfect fit. If you know you only have 3 months of maternity leave left or you’re looking for employment, take the time in-between to look for childcare options. To guide you in your journey to choosing the right daycare, here are some crucial questions to ask before making your final decision.

Cleanliness

• How often do they disinfect the diapering area? Is it after every use?
• Do they use disposable cover sheets that they replace every time a child needs to be changed?
• What qualifies a child to be sent home when they are sick?
• At what condition is the child allowed to return to daycare, after they’ve been sick?
• What is their policy on diarrhea? If a child has diarrhea during the day, do they make sure to keep the child away from the other children, in order to keep infection from spreading? Do they recommend that children with diarrhea stay at home?
• Is the staff required to wash their hands before work, after work, after every diaper change, before they handle food and after field trips?
• How often are the toys washed? What are they washed with?

Bad Behavior Policy

• What is the daycare’s policy on handling disruptive behavior such as bullying, yelling, hitting, etc.?
• If your child is being picked on, how will the staff attend to the situation?
• If your child is crying, how are the childcare professionals trained to react?

Childcare Qualifications and Turnover

• Where did the caregivers get their degree, education or license?
• How long have they been practicing childcare?
• How does the center assess their caregivers and how often?
• Are caregivers required to go to workshops or classes to improve their skillsets or learn new teaching methods?
• How long have they been employed at the daycare center? If you notice the majority of the caregivers only have a year under their belt, there may be an issue of turnover, which could be a major red flag for how the center is run internally. Plus, you want your child to be comfortable with the people they are learning from. When caregivers are coming and going, it is difficult for your child to get used to that change.

Accreditation

National accredited associations hold childcare centers to higher standards than most state licensing associations. If you are concerned about accreditation, look for these two accreditation organizations.

• The National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC).
• The National Association for Family Child Care (NAFCC).

These are the largest childcare accreditation organizations.

Adult to Child Ratio

You want to make sure your child will get lots of attention when they’re at the daycare center, because you’ve done such a great job of this at home. When you are weighing an adult to child ratio, the golden number is no more than 1:4 (one adult for four infants), especially when your child isn’t a year old yet. Make sure to ask:

• How many children are allowed in each class?
• How many teachers are assigned to each classroom?

Staying Involved

It’s important for you to always know how your child is being cared for when you’re not around. Before enrolling your infant in a childcare program ensure you are able to do the following:

• Be able to volunteer for field trip chaperoning or to be present at your child’s birthday celebration.
• To be able to have daily check-ins with your child’s caregivers.
• To have the opportunity to even read a book allowed to the class every once in a while.

The right caregiver will respect you for asking the right questions, in order to stay involved in your child’s development at the center. These are not the end-all be-all of questions to ask when you’re looking for the perfect childcare center for your infant, however, it will help you make decisions more clearly when you have questions planned out before you inquire. At Villa Majella, we are actively involved in assisting our residents in finding proper childcare, especially when our mothers are ready to go back to work. For more information on our program, please visit our website. www.villamajella.org.

Resources

http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/849329/common-fears-about-daycare http://alphamom.com/parenting/baby/daycare-drama-mommy-guilt/ http://www.themommyvortex.com/5-things-new-moms-should-know-about-daycare/ http://www.parenting.com/article/ease-your-baby-fears1204123138097 http://childcareaware.org/parents-and-guardians/child-care-101/5-steps-to-choosing-care