First Holiday Season with Baby

Tis the Season….

Maybe you have big plans for this holiday season, or maybe big ideas of how it should go. This year you are entering into the unknown, for you, and for baby.  The holiday season is going to be different than last year and all the year’s before.

The key principle for this holiday season might be “Easy Does It”!

There are always so many things to do: busy things,  fun things, enjoyable events, happy memories to create! But this year it might be okay to bring things down a bit. Here are some things to consider and some ideas of how it can still be a memorable, magical time.

Things to consider

• Babies can get overwhelmed by too many changes in their routine and their surroundings.
• Adults can get overwhelmed by trying to take on too much and also by trying to live up to other people’s expectations.
• There are a lot of germs circulating out there, and lots of people sharing them.
• Too many gifts will more than likely confuse rather than delight your little one. Don’t they always prefer the box it came in?

Some Ideas

• Decide ahead of time which gatherings are the most important. It might be a good idea to limit yourselves to those that are the most meaningful to you. There will be a next year and the significant people in your life will understand.
• Start some new traditions, all your own.  Invite some people in to decorate cookies, watch a favorite Christmas program or take a stroll or a ride  around the neighborhood to see the lights. Donate to a local toy drive in honor of your child.
• Limit the gifts you buy for your baby/infant, a few will suffice.  As the toys pile up from friends and relatives, go ahead and put some away, to be brought out gradually over the next few months.
• I found a great suggestion for nursing moms at friend/family gatherings. If you are able to find a private room to nurse in, grab a friend or relative who you haven’t seen for awhile and take them with you. It is a great time to relax,  catch up and you won’t feel so isolated from the gathering.
• Keeping things simple during this season of hustle and bustle might feel wrong, but it may afford you the opportunity to really enjoy those magical moments  that become the fondest of memories.

A few words about safety…

• Be sure to keep choking hazards such as bows, ribbon, wrapping paper and tinsel out of baby’s reach.
• A little tree, out of reach of baby, might be better than a big tree full of irresistible decorations.
• Asking people, especially children, to wash their hands before touching or holding baby is perfectly okay.

Whether you celebrate Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa,  or all three, here is hoping that your first winter holiday season with baby will be a pleasant, joyous and peaceful one!

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Playtime With Your Baby

You are the best “plaything” for your baby! The interactions between you and your baby help you to get to know each other, and your baby learns to trust and depend on you. The bond between the two of  you grows stronger and it helps your infant to feel loved and secure, which is so important for their wellbeing.

Play experiences help parts of your baby’s brain to link together. It helps your baby learn about the world and how to interact with it. It also helps your baby with language development.

Play can also teach you a lot about your baby’s personality.  It won’t take long to figure out what your baby likes, whether it be rough and silly or quiet and calm.

Simple play can include:

• Singing songs and nursery rhymes
• Tickling, toe counting, blowing raspberries
• Making  silly faces, smiling and laughing
• Giving your baby objects with different textures to touch and feel
• Taking your baby for walks around the house or the yard talking about what you see and feel
• Reading to your baby. It is never too early to start.
• Giving your baby “tummy time” each day. (You can begin at one or two months for brief periods, increasing the time at 3 or 4 months when the neck and shoulder muscles are more developed.). Your baby can practice holding up their head and they will get a chance to see things from a different point of view. You can even join them for a little tummy time if you are able.

Just like you,  there are times when your baby won’t feel like playing and they will let you know, but don’t miss out on the opportunity to “play” with your little one, for it is their work.

 

What Kind of Parent Am I?

What kind of parent am I? Is this a question you have asked yourself, other than in a moment of horror, after you have made a regrettable decision or error? We all like to think of ourselves as “good” parents and, of course, feel like a “bad” parent from time to time.

Instead of thinking of yourself in such extreme terms, let’s examine something called “parenting styles”.  Depending on which expert you are reading, there are either 3 or 4 styles of parenting.  I will use what seems to be agreed upon in psychology today.  The four styles described are: Authoritarian, Permissive, Uninvolved, and Authoritative. I am going to describe each briefly:

• Authoritarian parenting is characterized by high demands and low responsiveness. Children are expected to follow the rules as laid down by the parent(s) and there is little or no positive feedback or nurturing. Any feedback is usually of a negative sort and mistakes on the part of the children are normally met with punishment, sometimes rather harsh punishment.
• Permissive  parenting, is characterized by low demands and high responsiveness.  These parents tend to be very loving, yet provide few guidelines or rules, and may seem more like a friend than a parental figure.
• Uninvolved parenting is characterized by a lack of responsiveness to the child’s needs.  There are few to no demands on their children and these parents are often indifferent, dismissive or even completely neglectful.
• Authoritative parenting is characterized by high demands but also high responsiveness to the needs of their children.  These parents encourage their children to be independent in their thinking and decision making but do put limits (rules and guidelines) on their actions.

I would like to add another style introduced to me by my grown son.  It is referred to as Peaceful Parenting.  This style of parent uses intentional, gently ways to guide their children using empathetic and cooperative solutions and avoids trying to control behavior with punishment.

Intentional may be the key word there. In other words deliberate, calculated, conscious, intended, planned, meant, studied, knowing, willful, purposeful, purposive, done on purpose, premeditated, preplanned, preconceived. How many of us live our lives this way, let alone parent? Our parenting style may be in the same style we were parented or as a reaction against the way we were parented.

There is never a better time than today to reflect on and evaluate what and how we are doing.  Maybe you have already figured this out. If so, good for you! It would be great to hear your story. If not there is a test you can take online to see “what style of parent you are”.  Then you can take it from there.  Do you need some input, education, training? Use your support system, seek guidance, enroll in a class, do some reading. You may also want to think about what type of parenting style your partner,  or the other parent(s),  and your care giver(s) use, and consider how that affects your parenting and your child (ren).

A link for one of the online tests is: psychology today.tests.psychtests.com

Single-Parent-Person: “Staying Afloat”

 

 

I was thinking about our subject for this month’s blog and what came to mind is how hard it is to stay connected to other’s and yourself in a meaningful way when you are busy, as most of us are. If you are a “single parent” human person, YOU ARE BUSY!! You may be forced, through circumstance to be the only “bread-winner”/”caregiver” for yourself and your child(ren) or you may have sentenced yourself to such an existence by means of guilt, resignation or a sense of determination to  “show everyone, including yourself, that you CAN DO IT!”. The challenges of attempting to fulfill every need that arises can be downright draining and you may find yourself drowning in a sea of “overwhelming”.

What can be done?  I found some worthy suggestions in a blog post called “Single Parents: Ask For Help” written by Susan Stiffelman, Family Therapist and Author. I hope that you find these helpful.  First off, the title gives us the best advice for any human being, “ask for help”.  I was taught,  a long time ago,  from some very wise mentors, that to refrain from allowing others to help me, was to deprive others of the joy of giving. It took me awhile to learn, but eventually I got it. Here are her suggestions, followed by my commentary:

• Find a tribe
• Bring in the aunties and the uncles
• Take mental health days
• Don’t make your child your partner
• Just do your best!

If you are not now, then put yourself,  in a position to meet others who have children around the same age as your own.  You can get together for play dates (even if the little ones are infants, the adults can share some adult conversation and laughter). Once you feel that you can trust these other parents, you can do some childcare swapping for errands or a little “me time”. These “others” can be found wherever adults with children are found,  including such places as your neighborhood, the grocery store, your place of worship, or the childcare room at your local gym. There may even be a parent meet-up or support  group in your area. I am sure you can think of other venues, as well.

Many of us have a favorite aunt, uncle, neighbor or adult friend of the family. You know the one! It can be of great benefit to your child(ren) to develop healthy relationships with safe and trustworthy adults, other than you. There are so many things they can offer your child(ren) including a listening ear, another perspective, a love for a favorite hobby or a particular skill you may not possess. You might be surprised at those who are willing and able to give step into that role-You may just need to ask!

“Me time” is not a selfish act, unless overdone, of course! It is important to take time to refresh oneself when the demands are many, as mentioned previously. A nap, a movie, a soak in the tub, a workout at the gym, a coffee and your ear buds at the local coffee bar, dinner or lunch with a friend or whatever “refreshes” you. Both you and your child will benefit. Ask a member of “your tribe” to watch your little one(s) and you can give back in whatever way fits. It is a win-win-win situation!

As a stressed out, overburdened single-parent-person, it is easy to put your child in the role of confidante. After all, as the children grow, it is natural to form a “partnership” with them as they are with you at all the times you would normally be talking to a “spouse”. It isn’t fair to place them in the position of “early adulthood”. They shouldn’t have to shoulder the burdens of finances, your work or social frustrations, or a “flaky” other parent. Be sure to develop and maintain a safe, healthy adult relationship, where you can share all of those concerns.

Just do your best! No one is perfect. (Sorry to be the one to tell you.) You are still finding your way and you will make mistakes. You will not always be as loving and as patient as you would like, nor will you always  be able to do everything for your child that you would like to do. When you fall short of your own expectations and speak or act in a way that is less-than-perfect, it is a praiseworthy thing to apologize to your child for your wrong behavior, attitude, or action.  It is a wonderful way to model this desirable trait for your child(ren).

“Stay Afloat” by asking  others for help. Everyone,  including you, will be glad you did!